Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

We have been called to heal wounds, to unite what has fallen apart, and to bring home those who have lost their way.

the night of thought is the light of perception.

Every stage of life has its own challenges. Be grateful for each stage.

Days, weeks, months, years, " said the boy. "Minutes and hours and seconds. I don't know about any of those things.

Tell The Truth, and Shame The Devil.

I'm all for crossovers if they benefit the individual books.

I was happy because I was acting. Most of the time for nothing. But I was learning and to learn that you can learn opens up the world for you.

I live on hairspray. The bigger the hair, the closer to God.

I don't support any gun-control legislation - the effort for a new assault-weapons ban, with a ban on semiautomatic weapons, is something I would oppose.

If I were not French I would choose to be - Scotch.