Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Self-knowledge is the greatest kind of knowledge.

Roses have thorns, ’ we whine. When thorns of life entwine. Simple things can bring solace to heart-Things everyone take for granted-Like tending beds of fragile roses-with heart full of scars

There is no such thing as a weird human being, It's just that some people require more understanding than others.

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

Gentle day's flower - The hummingbird competes With the stillness of the air.

When lightning strikes you want to be there, right there in the room. You, not everybody's going to say yes to you. Just don't ever say no to yourself, ever.

Immediately after games, we're talking about what we need to do for the next game. We're not satisfied in the moment that we're in.

I've taught Sunday school, I've sung in the choir, I directed a choir.

For an actor, its great fun to play one of these hungry white sharks. Audiences love to hate them.

Make it about them, not about you.