Self-tragedy is always a great way to dramatize yourself - ask any teenager.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle.

If you subtracted all of the great artists who never drank, who never went to excess, you wouldn't have any more art left. What kind of poem are you gonna get out of a glass of iced tea?

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's.

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.

Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

If you want to split a bottle with a friend, then Sammy Hagar is your guy. If you want to split your friend with a bottle than give me a call.

If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

Maybe art itself was a kind of voodoo, possessing you, giving you supernatural power, letting you see in the dark.

We're all traitors now.” “Ha!” the old lady said. “Only if we lose.

Liberals in blue states just think that they are on the right side of history, and anybody that disagrees with them has to be a troglodyte or a neanderthal.

Only deeds give strength to life, only moderation gives it charm.

The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride

Why! Why! Why is the middle-class so stodgy - so utterly without a sense of humor?

Begin to recognize prosperity everywhere, and rejoice in it.

Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired.

I think we defeat terrorism by showing them that we do not fear them.

Renunciation means that none can serve both God and Mammon.