If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle.

If you subtracted all of the great artists who never drank, who never went to excess, you wouldn't have any more art left. What kind of poem are you gonna get out of a glass of iced tea?

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's.

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.

Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

If you want to split a bottle with a friend, then Sammy Hagar is your guy. If you want to split your friend with a bottle than give me a call.

He who knows how will always work for he who knows why.

I assumed that looking back reminded older guys of what they had shot at and missed, the what-ifs, the good memories, the bad, the people left behind, the people who moved on.

Professional intellectuals are the voice of a culture and are, therefore, its leaders, its integrators and its bodyguards.

Self-preservation is the central aim of all life-activities.

A man's hatred is always concentrated upon that which makes him conscious of his bad qualities.

We're trapped on this very thin slice of perception ... But even at that slice of reality that we call home, we're not seeing most of what's going on.

Dad has, and had, a deservedly glowing reputation. However, this belief in 'reputation first' seems to have given rise to his fears of what might be rumored after his death.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is taking a step forward when you are afraid.

Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it

Never tell anyone to go to hell unless you can make 'em go.