Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking", and then I thought: What good would that do?

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

A lot of people wonder how you can tell if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this question: 'Would I mind being financially destroyed by this person?'

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew $5000 at a reincarnation. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once!

I was an ugly baby. On my birth certificate there was a listing for Probable Cause.

Where there's a will there's a dead person.

I like life. It's something to do.

Hip-hop, this thing we love that loves us back, is our lingua franca.

Not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims.

Help your sister's boat across the water, and yours too will reach the other side. Kindness can become its own motive. We are made kind by being kind.

How does our will become sanctified? By conforming itself unreservedly to that of God.

I dont make resolutions, because resolutions seem so ephemeral and transient to go away.

The role of the vice president is to break ties in the Senate and inquire daily into the health of the president.

We are not myths of the past, ruins in the jungle, or zoos. We are people and we want to be respected, not to be victims of intolerance and racism.

Transportation made sublimation literal. It conveyed evil to another world.

Any writer takes inspiration from what they read and watch, and over their career works on forming their own voice. I think it was probably Stephen King who made me want to become a writer.

My master hath been an honorable gentleman; tricks he hath had in him which gentlemen have.