REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

There can be no one better than yourself, so be the best version of you because no one is born to represent another.

God may not give that instant dollar bill your seeking, but it's in the little change He brings, that will add to a dollar.

Allow me to assure you, that suspicion and jealousy never did help any man in any situation.

What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can't vote.

This is the complacency I have run into.

The way to hold a husband is to keep him a little jealous; the way to lose him is to keep him a little more jealous.

Well, my comfort is, I am sure Jane will die of a broken heart, and then he will be sorry for what he has done.

Will Arnett is one of the funniest guys I know. He has seen it all and done it all and come out the other end pretty savvy and pretty strong.

Who begins with severity, in judging of another, ends commonly with falsehood.