People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

there's only one thing we can depends on when we dying, it's faith .

Half of the people lie with their lips

He that has cut the claws of the lion will not feel quite secure until he has also drawn his teeth.

The praise of free men is worth having, for it is the only praise which is free from either servility or condescension.

They laughed. Things were funny. They weren't afraid to care. There was no sense to life, to the structure of things.

I think to be cut off from your heart is the greatest tyranny in the world.

The unfed mind devours itself.

At age 22 I set what I insist is an all-time record for distance hitchhiking in Bermuda shorts: 3,700 miles in three weeks.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show.