People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

What Galileo and Newton were to the seventeenth century, Darwin was to the nineteenth.

I am here

The God of the theologians is the creation of their empty heads.

I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.

We learn simply by the exposure of living, and what we learn most natively is the tradition in which we live.

I'm working as hard as I can to get back to Packer Nation.

Touch not the flute when drums are sounding around; when fools have the word, the wise will be silent.

Never own defeat in a sacred cause and make up your minds henceforth that you will be pure and that you will find a response from God.

People like to run their mouths.

Resonance is a physical process through which similarities are highlighted.