On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I mean that success has come early. And that is dangerous. Always dangerous.

History shows: Whenever people try to pull you down, you will reach peaks of success. You just need the ability to ignore.

I think there are some stories that need to be told by a specific person as opposed to in the third person.

I race to win, not to please people

We're still expected to color within the lines of accepted femininity, and women who step out of those lines are usually attacked, whether verbally or physically.

The only way Hinduism can convert the whole world to cow-protection is by giving an object-lesson in cow-protection and all it means.

Being bald is no fun.

The most important part of a story is the ending. No one reads a book to get to the middle.

Biography, like big game hunting, is one of the recognized forms of sport, and it is as unfair as only sport can be.

Religion and good morals are the only solid foundation of public liberty and happiness.