Of course I love cooking Eastern European food because I'm a Jew, but I also love making roast chicken. I love making Hungarian goulash. There are a lot of egg noodles in my cooking.

My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.

The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

What if obese people couldn't get married?

Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.

Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

For me, humor is everything!

Every individual is unique with unique talents.

If we know where we are and something about how we got there, we might see where we are trending - and if the outcomes which lie naturally in our course are unacceptable, to make timely change.

I describe in 'Chimpanzee Politics' how the alpha male needs broad support to reach the top spot. He needs some close allies and he needs many group members to be on his side.

If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a foot-rule can measure a pyramid, there would be finality in universal suffrage. As it is, the political problem remains unsolved.

Fools boast of what they will do. Heroes do it.

Your enemies can kill you, but only your friends can hurt you.

... America has amnesia. ... Certainly, there is a passion for memory loss in American thought. ... Americans may be the world champion forgetters.

Invest in businesses any idiot could run, because someday one will.

My son, forbearance is a great virtue; there's no other like it.