Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Gratitude is born in hearts that take time to count up past mercies.

I give you my name, my earthly possessions, and my eternal love. But of all the things I have, the thing I want most to give you are my eyes, these eyes that see how magnificently beautiful you are.

We need to start rejoicing when the devil is mad, because he sees our blessing before we do

I was the only swimmer in movies. Tarzan was long gone, and he couldn't have done them anyway; he could never have gotten into my bathing suit

Life insurance companies are failing to pay out death benefits when they know the person is dead, and they're claiming they don't know.

Find your star and throw it up to heaven. You still have it, don't you?

This crime called blasphemy was invented by priests for the purpose of defending doctrines not able to take care of themselves.

Now and again I feel the astonishment of being alive like this, in this body.

Often whole days pass without my speaking to anyone, except to ask for diner or coffee. And it has been like that form the beginning.

Hereafter, in a better world than this, I shall desire more love and knowledge of you