Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

It's invisible, what women do. It's not rewarded as much.

Writing is very difficult. You have 120 pages of blank paper and it's like, "Go fill that up with some funny stuff," and that's challenging.

If I weren't playing baseball, I would be a radio or sports broadcaster. In college at South Carolina I did some stuff with the radio station and really liked it.

there's no chance at all: we are all trapped by a singular fate.

Thank God that He has permitted us to live among the present problems. It is no longer permitted to anyone to be mediocre.

Music is such an integral part of a film and really drives the emotional narrative, it has to be integrated from the beginning.

When we are at home with ourselves, we are at home everywhere in the world. When we have found peace within ourselves, peace and love follow us wherever we go.

My misfortune is my ability to see both sides even of the fundamental religious question.

Whatever else the Book of Mormon makes clear, it makes clear that every soul in every dispensation is precious to God, and therefore no age or era was-or is-left without its witness of Christ.

Less isn't more; just enough is more.