My dream in life is to write the one gag that makes everyone in the world laugh.

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

I never met a lasagna I didn't like

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.

There are so many opportunities in life, that the loss of two or three capabilities is not necessarily debilitating. A handicap can give you the opportunity to focus more on art, writing, or music.

Life is like a Ferrari, it goes too fast. But that's ok, because you can't afford it anyway.

Way down deep, we're all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them.

It's amazing what one can accomplish when one doesn't know what one can't do.

Good morning is a contradiction of terms.

When all else fails, look cute.

She took refuge on the firm ground of fiction, through which indeed there curled the blue river of truth.

Satan is screaming lies over us all day long. And God whispers the truth is a still, small voice. So often the voice we listen to most is the one we hear loudest.

The main environmental challenge of the 21st century is poverty. When you don't know where your next meal is coming from, it's hard to consider the environment 100 years down the line.

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!

Keep your head up because one day one person will fight like hell for you, the same as you would for them, and it will be a deep love. So keep your head up.

There's room for boys' and girls' football in the world-that's what I believe.

I have a coconut oil stick, which I use for everything - on my eye lids to make them shinier, on my lips, and on any dry skin.

I'm not very happy idle. There's always this voice in my head that says, 'I should be writing.

Dartmouth is the place I've devoted my life to, so it's very sad to see this kind of decline in the intellectual strength of the institution.

If we seek paradise outside ourselves, we cannot have paradise in our hearts.