Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The road of life’s twists and turns give wisdom

You have to learn to do everything even to die.

If a man has ten good qualities and one bad one, to look at the ten and forget the one, and if a man has ten bad qualities and one good one, to look at the one and forget the ten.

Virtue alone is happiness below.

If Courtezans and Strumpets were to be prosecuted with as much Rigour as some silly People would have it, what Locks or Bars would be sufficient to preserve the Honour of our Wives and Daughters?

No matter how dirty your past is, your future is still spotless.

Nihilism is but the other side of conventionalism; its creed consists of negations of the current so-called positive values, to which it remains bound.

I pretty much got busted for everything, but I definitely stretched out my boundaries as a kid, as well.

...and he extends and grows even bigger than he is. (on Peter Schmeichel)

Because, when I'm making music, I don't think about anything, you know? All I think about is what I want to hear. So that for me is what I want - I want my head to be constantly being rearranged.