Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker's dozens! …they come in thirteens.

Individual liberty may be unable to solve every social problem, but collective violence is unable to solve any social problem.

I want to need you.

It's a sad thing to see, because as far as I know, this man Gavo had done nothing to deserve being shot in the back of the head at his own funeral. Twice.

The courts are using the First Amendment to attack religion, when they should be using it to protect religion.

We ought to seek God's assistance in our affairs just as they happen.

When you're entrusted with a tradition, you've got to protect it.

I was born on a storm-swept rock and hate the soft growth of sun-baked lands where there is no frost in men's bones.

I don't put any thought into the footballs after I choose them. When you're out there playing in front of 70,000 people, like a home crowd, you don't think about it. You're just reacting to the game.

Start a painting with fresh ideas, and then let the painting replace your ideas with its ideas.