Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

We're all free to chose some people to love, and then do it.

sometimes people think they're above the laws the rest of us live by. they're blind to their own imperfections.

The mind of man is continuously unfolding into a greater recognition of its real plan in the creative order of the Universe.

I have no religion, but if I were to choose one, it would be that of Shariati's.

Life is just to sweet to be bitter.

A lot of people misunderstand me. That's because they don't know me at all.

You can walk through life believing in the goodness of the world, or walk through life afraid of anyone who thinks different than you and trying to convert them to your way of thinking.

You know, I think He honestly does care about how we play on the field, more than anything more than win or lose our hearts on the field.

Instead of wiping away your tears, wipe the people who make you cry.