It's hard to find a play that's right for me to do. Rather than waiting around for the right script to come along, I decided to write one myself.

The nice thing is that, at least in Los Angeles, I'm known as a character actor and I do auditions for other things besides just cartoon shows.

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution!

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

To many, Homer may appear lazy and a loser, but he's just much misguided. He's boorish, sure, but well meaning and, I guess, the one thing we have in common is the pursuit of lousy diets.

loneliness gives you opportunity to look the beauty of out of window

I believe that for every illness or ailment known to man, that God has a plant out here that will heal it. We just need to keep discovering the properties for natural healing.

Ensuring quality higher education is one of the most important things we can do for future generations.

I have blind trust in people. Even if that ends up hurting me, I won't change. I will go on trusting people because that's the only way I know to love someone.

Law is the ultimate science.

Quarkbeasts, for all their fearsome looks, are obedient to a fault. They are nine-tenths velociraptor and kitchen blender and one-tenth Labrador. It was the Labrador tenth that I valued most.

The best way to make Communists is to put the Americans into a place where there were no Communists before.

I love Disney. I know that some Disney stars want to break out of the Disney mold, but no, if they let me, I would work with Disney until I die.

Anybody can make 'good' music. I make terrible music, which is what makes it so different, and therefore better.

What is beauty? It's what you love.