It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The land shall not be sold for ever: for the land is mine for ye are strangers and sojourners with me.

I was a sports kid.

There is no reason why the women of the country should not greatly advance themselves.

I couldn't sleep one night and I was sitting in my office and I realized that I was an independent filmmaker.

One of the ways I think I gain fodder for characters is by watching people.

It is bad luck for world history that of all people the Russians adopted Communism, because they are totally unfit for it.

It's very difficult to learn not to take nasty heckles personally.

No heart can conceive that treasury of mercies which lies in this one privilege, in having liberty and ability to approach unto God at all times, according to his mind and will.

I think people who come into my home feel comfortable and welcome and loved. And the biggest thing in my living room (the fireplace) is in and of itself an expression of love.

If you think of harming someone, this is the same as actually doing it, in terms of the spiritual world, since the spiritual world is vibrational, which includes thinking.