In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

We didn't have much money. My whole extended family used to help us, and buy us books and food. It was hard, and there were things I didn't want to talk about. But at the end I was a happy girl.

Some people care too much. I think it's called love.

I do have a self-censor; everybody does, or at least most who are not pathological do.

If you cross a pickle with a female deer...You get a dill-doe!

I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

She was the trembler of knees, the spiller of teacups.

Father, thanks for reaching out and lovingly,saying that you've always been proud of me,I needed to feel that so desperately,you're always alive inside of me.

In war, discipline is superior to strength; but if that discipline is neglected there is no longer any difference between the soldier and the peasant.

When you forcefully suppress religious nationalism, you radicalize it.

My boyfriend was insanely sexy, vampire or not, and I couldn't keep my hands off him.