If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel but on a candlestick and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

Infrastructure is much more important than architecture.

We cannot hope to scale great moral heights by ignoring petty obligations.

Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them.

There ought to be something about computers and artificial intelligence [in Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]. Surely somebody somewhere said something memorable.

The inner is the foundation of the outer. The still is master of the restless. The Sage travels all day yet never leaves his inner treasure.

Propriety's never been Adrian's strong suit.

The key fallacy of so called gun control laws is that such laws do not in fact control guns. They simply disarm law abiding citizens, while people bent on violence find firearms readily available.

If you subscribe to the notion of God as being separate from you, than you will always be lost, because you can't even trust in your own untrustworthiness.

No clause in the Constitution could by any rule of construction be conceived to give to congress a power to disarm the people.