If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I did a concert at five years old in the garden of one of the church members, and we raised some money to buy a new piano in our little church.

I'm a salty, greasy girl. I give every french fry a fair chance. Could you just lay some lard in my belly?

No grief so soft, no pain so sweet, as love's delicious melancholy.

To carry on war, three things are necessary: money, money, and yet more money.

If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.

Of what use are laws, inoperative through public immortality? [Lat., Quid leges sine moribus Vanae proficiunt?]

All babies are Buddha babies.

By my teaching I hope to inspire you to personal activity and to present your vision.

My motives at a young age were, "I want to be rich and famous".