If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

What? A man who could admit to his feelings? They really do exist!

Men are much more unwilling to have their weaknesses and their imperfections known than their crimes.

If you can't go straight ahead, you go around the corner.

Health is a return to our memory of wholeness.

We (ultra runners) alternate between depression and stupidity.

A dead man in Spain is more alive than a dead man anywhere in the world.

I'm still hibernating so I get really frustrated with other people's goals and just stop.

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

As far as men go, they never gave me a chance to be me; they were always scared that somebody was going to take me.

All I care about is free speech and free expression; I want people to be able to be, do, and say anything.