If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

As a general rule, the longer a man's fame is likely to last, the later it will be in coming; for all excellent products require time for their development.

Every heresy has been an effort to narrow the Church.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served in an ashtray.

There are few things reason can discover with so much certainty and ease as its own insufficiency.

If your vision doesn't cost you something, it's a daydream.

I love what I do and being in front of the camera. But I never want to limit myself to just one thing and just venture out into new things.

I may be a B-movie star, but I work. I'm an actor.

I've always thought that pressure is trying to feed your family, trying to make a mortgage. We play a game...And this is an amazing game.