I was never in the office [of Rolling Stone]. It was very different from Lampoon, where we spent a lot of time together socially, which is to say "drunk."

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Be who you are. If a man, be one. If woman, be so. The gender-change, behaviour or role, is a mind-made turd. As illusory as this world.

If you are going to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Blessing come to you when you are obedient to God’s commands.

The word maybe was beginning to annoy me, because the only thing that was fixed was that maybe would be with me forever.

Despite all the pressure and the caliber of accomplishment, I still can honestly say that it's not all about winning.

Politics is not bean bags. It's serious, tough stuff.

I'm not usually where I think I am. It's kind of spooky.

Once the government runs out of foreign and private sector bidders for new Treasurys, the Federal Reserve will be the only buyer, and the hyper-inflation cat will be completely out of the bag.

The final mystery is oneself.

I kind of go to the beat of my own drum.