I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed.

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone... you answer it.

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

Cause my life is dope, and I do dope sh*t

I support anyone's right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

The past, present, and future, were all equally in gloom.

There are two things that govern life.It is Positivity and Negativity.You can see life with a Positive eye or drag yourself into a Negative Action.

Nothing embarrassing, but hopefully I can call myself a gentleman because of my father.

Leave your drugs in the chemist's pot if you can heal the patient with food.

Love's lengthways splits the heart in two - the heart where you are, the heart where you want to be.

True holiness is not achieved by what we do, but what we allow God to do in us.

Old friends are memories personified.

I am the laughter of the new-born child On whose soft-breathing sleep an angel smiled.

The whole universe is composed of name and form. Whatever we see is either a compound of name and form, or simply name with form which is a mental image.