I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

People can always say I don't look impressive enough, but they can't argue over how strong I am once I punch them in the face.

You're the sort of girl that should only have happiness, you know? Who should wake up smiling, feeling special because someone does everything they can to make that so.

...we must pray to the Almighty not to refuse His blessing to this change and not to abandon our people in the times to come.

Note the three most important Cabinet positions. Rice said that it was better to find the weapons of mass destruction than to see a mushroom cloud.

Despite my extremely modest prices, dealers and art lovers are turning their backs on me. It is very depressing to see the lack of interest shown in an art object which has no market value.

Warmakers are often wrong. ... Peace advocates are sometimes right, especially when their ideas are not only morally sound but politically realistic

When you're in that zone there's nothing really the defense can do ... It doesn't matter who's sticking you because everything looks good.

When you get older, you realize it's a lot less about your place in the world but your place in you. It's not how everyone views you, but how you view yourself

Optimism is a much more enabling mindset than hard-core realism, and it's far superior to pessimism...[because] Hope helps move us in the direction of our goals and ambitions.

There are two fatal errors that keep great projects from coming to life: 1. Not finishing 2. Not starting.