I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Surround yourself with positive and productive people.

I wonder what children whose parents have money think about in their spare time.

A litany of headlights blinding her, she stands unsteady on the dotted traffic line, takes timid steps toward rolled up windows behind which any horror could crouch....

To be self-contented is to be vile and ignorant, ans that to aspire is better than to be blindly and impoitently happy.

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

That loss was to breed an independence, a toughness of spirit, and an awareness of adversity and discipline that have never left me,.

History is the long and tragic story of the fact that privileged groups seldom give up their privileges voluntarily.

I don't like stereotypes - no kind of stereotypes.

The person who makes promises to everyone ultimately pleases no one.

The main of life is composed of small incidents and petty occurrences; of wishes for objects not remote, and grief for disappointments of no fatal consequence.