I’m never without a bandage.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

No matter if the enemy has thousands of men, there is fulfillment in simply standing them off and being determined to cut them all down, starting from one end.

We all love musical architecture there's no doubt about that.

A writer's occupational hazard: I think of eavesdropping as minding my business.

The solution to our drug problem is not in incarceration.

Just out of curiosity, I wonder what makes music or culture or taste go in certain directions. Who knows what the forces are behind it.

I really learned to approach climbing not just with a pure athletic mentality, but also to appreciate all these beautiful places we get to go to.

I believe that people want to be free. And that we face an enemy that murders innocent people to try to shake our psychology to get us to leave.

There will always be those people who are just backward and ignorant. There will always be those people. They need somebody to feel superior to.

Forget the cheap white wine: go to beef and gin!

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.