I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

A life of constant victory is the result of correct thinking

You want me to lie to you?" said McKay. I shrugged. Why not? I didn't mind lies.

Why is it when people are proud of me that my life sucks?”“Because growing up means making tough choices, and doing the right thing doesn’t necessarily mean doing the thing that feels good.

Murder, arson, adultery, drugging and drinking, cruel politics--reading a book crammed with such activities can make the timid and yearning among us feel like the happiest people in the world.

What greater glory attends a man than what he wins with his racing feet and his striving hands?

Some people are probably saner. They're good performers, and they go about their day. I just get obsessive about it.

Come, butterfly It's late- We've miles to go together.

The Democrats have been there for working people in our country. That's who we are, trickle-down vs. middle-class economics. That's the major difference between the parties.

The secret of inner success is constancy to our highest character. -

Winter in #‎ Maine is a time of alternating rest and frenzied activity.