I'm in awe of comics that do things that I can't do, or haven't tried doing yet.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

War its thousands slays, Peace its ten thousands.

At the end of the day, if we don't win that game, we're going home, anyway, so what does it matter. I just wanted to be available, and it ended up to the point where I could help out tonight.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

I was a student in Germany when Hitler came to power.

I still love my people, not just my family - my people. I feel a huge responsibility for them.

Its best to live as if it were the first and last day of my life.

There is no evil like hatred, and no fortitude like patience.

When time permits, I try to see interesting people in the cities I visit. In Seattle, I met Paul Allen, the co-founder of Microsoft, who is shy in personality but flamboyant in his philanthropy.

Industry is the enemy of melancholy

A breath thou art, Servile to all the skyey influences.