I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

You see, my mind takes me far, but my heart dreams of return.

In America, racism exists but racists are all gone.

I'm sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Better to be miserable with her than happy without her. Let our hearts break provided they break together. If the voice within us does not say this it is not the voice of Eros.

For me to become the highest paid player in the franchise, it was something I didn't anticipate. But I'm glad. I like playing for Cincinnati.

Maximum of an average is necessarily less volatile than the average maximum

Life is happiness and unhappiness. Life is day and night, life is life and death. You have to be aware of both.

We owe it to ourselves and to the next generation to conserve the environment so that we can bequeath our children a sustainable world that benefits all.

The art of poetry is to touch the passions, and its duty to lead them on the side of virtue.

Every woman must admit, and every man with as much sense as a woman, that it's very hard to make a home for any man if he's always in it.