I'm a comedian, not a politician.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

There is an anti-aging possibility, but it has to come from within.

What I don't like are pompous, pretentious movies.

The difficulties of conducting espionage against the Soviet Union in the Soviet Union were such that historically the Agency had backed away from the task.

A lady never asks a gentleman to dance, or to go to supper with her.

Just as entrepreneurs developed America, they can develop other countries, too.

Charities are really good. To a certain extent, the ones you pick are arbitrary.

It is a tremendous act of violence to begin anything. I am not able to begin. I simply skip what should be the beginning.

Nowadays you can go anywhere in the world in a few hours, and nothing is fabulous any more.

If you are not on the web, you will have problems accessing services.

If you want India to lower tariffs and facilitate more free trade, then I think Indian producers also have a right to enter the European market.