I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

I think a lot of people are really scared right now. Not every person makes good choices, and sometimes, when people are scared, there are people who try to take advantage of that fear.

A guilty conscience needs to confess. A work of art is a confession.

Excuses are merely nails used to build a house of failure.

Death is the last enemy: once we've got past that I think everything will be alright.

I believe very strongly that when it comes to desire, when it comes to attraction, that things are never black and white, things are very much shades of grey.

It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.

Justice is a terrible but necessary thing.

I am not a movie star or a football player, I just do my thing.

This country has not been made by politicians, kings or governments. It has been made by farmers, labourers, our mothers and sisters and youth.

...the change was adjustment without improvement.