I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

If the past never helped you why would you ever take it into the future with you?

Good-nature and good-sense must ever join; To err is human, to forgive, divine.

I guess you could say I've been in my share of violent movies.

I always used to go for blondes and quiet girls, but Victoria is the total opposite - dark and loud.

I believe government should be loyal to parents, teachers and children.

Blood is a very special juice.

Wine, one of the noblest cordials in nature.

To come to Christ costs you nothing, to follow Christ costs you something, to serve Christ will cost you everything.

Destitute of the fire of God, nothing else counts; possessing fire, nothing else matters.

The habit of pleasing by flattery makes a language soft; the fear of offending by truth makes it circuitous and conventional.