I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

You need to update your blog a couple of times a week. You need to post a Twitter here and there. It feels so dumb to say that stuff, but it's important for me to keep that presence going.

You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

There's a fear that I don't think people are interested in my actual opinion. I just think people are interested in me being funny.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.

Dwell positive thoughts!

A woman made of parts is a dangerous thing, " Grandma says. "You never know when she'll throw away a piece you may need...

Dalgliesh was too experienced to assume that fear implied guilt

The US patent system adds the fuel of interest to the fire of genius in the discovery and production of new and useful things

It is difficult for the united states to be all of equal power and extent.

God does not love some ideal person, but rather human beings just as we are, not some ideal world, but rather the real world.

God is kind, but he is not soft. He takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life change.

The University of North Carolina provided me with every tool necessary to rise to the top of my profession.

I have never had a governmental position, and I will never accept such a position.

You can only improve what you measure.