You need to update your blog a couple of times a week. You need to post a Twitter here and there. It feels so dumb to say that stuff, but it's important for me to keep that presence going.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

There's a fear that I don't think people are interested in my actual opinion. I just think people are interested in me being funny.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.

...in the Twilight Princess worldview, darkness is not necessarily correlated with evil, just as light is not necessarily correlated with good.

When I began my search for the perfect skin care to fight the aging process, I noticed that my sensitive skin was reacting horribly to any product I used.

[Courage] arises in a great measure from the consciousness of strength . . .

I'm a very soft-spoken person. I don't throw furniture. I don't throw tantrums.

All the great truths are basically trivial and so we have to find new ways, preferably paradoxical ways, of expressing them, in order to keep them from falling into oblivion.

The tip no jewel needs to wear: The tip is jewel of the ear.

People forget that it is the eye which makes the horizon, and the rounding mind's eye which makes this or that man a type or representative of humanity with the name of hero or saint.

I really don't feel any strong allegiance to any country.

The consolation of imaginary things is not imaginary consolation.

Those faithful Mormon pioneers ... were willing to put everything on the altar to sacrifice for and defend their God and their faith.