The other day I walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes?

I have a wife and anything. That's the arrangement we have. I have a wife, and she's cool. And also I have anything I want.

You need to update your blog a couple of times a week. You need to post a Twitter here and there. It feels so dumb to say that stuff, but it's important for me to keep that presence going.

You know what’s really good is a greyhound in the shower.

There's a fear that I don't think people are interested in my actual opinion. I just think people are interested in me being funny.

I don't want to follow comedians because I don't want to see what they're thinking about, 'cause then maybe I won't stumble across a thought maybe I had about the same subject.

People are writing shorter jokes. The style I've started with was almost trying to keep jokes under 140 characters before Twitter.

I don't break the rules. I merely test their elasticity.

The fuel cell is just a fundamentally inferior way of delivering electrical energy to an electric motor than batteries.

Morality, a muzzle for the will; logic, a climbing iron for the mind.

Le Mans' is the only racing movie that is totally realistic.

I think Shonda Rhimes came to change television for women forever.

Power isn’t just about going forward. It’s about not letting anything hold you back.

When people are inspired, they don't need motivation.

We all do that as human beings, you know? It's what my mom would call shopping on an empty stomach. You're going to buy food that you shouldn't because, at the time, you are reacting to your hunger.

What I like about the Order of the Garter is that there is no damned merit about it.

Horses were a way to travel to get to where we are today, and it is our job to protect them.