I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Today the grass listens when I speak of love. It seems to me that this word isn't honest even with itself.

When one is happy there is no time to be fatigued; being happy engrosses the whole attention.

If the great Captain of Plymouth is so very eager to wed me, Why does he not come himself, and take the trouble to woo me? If I am not worth the wooing, I surely am not worth the winning!

Once to every person and nation come the moment to decide. In the conflict of truth with falsehood, for the good or evil side.

I would say the more the better when it is comes to development and marketing. It's actually fun. For some it can be a frustrating thing.

The payoffs in showbiz seemed as random as a slot machine.

There's nothing stressful about turning 50 except people reminding you about it.

This nation has never lived without independence. We cannot and shall not live without it. Either independence or death.

Some women want the strong silent type, so they can tell him to shut up and rearrange the furniture.

Many pedestrians have been maimed or killed at the intersection of Resistance and Commerce.