I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

We grow too old to lose old friends.

Mainstream success is important - that's probably anathema to an indie publication like Pitchfork, but it's what I believe having experienced it personally.

You are so close, and I can’t reach you.

I had to be happy with the process of writing.Each step you take is more rewarding than the one before.

You don’t return people’s smiles—it’s perfectly clear to you that people can smile and smile and still be villains.

Daylight reveals color; artificial light drains it.

It is forgivable to say nothing out of ignorance; it's inexcusable to remain silent once awareness dawns.

I'm a Republican. I may go into politics myself.

People ask me, "How's Teen Wolf?," and I tell them it's literally the best job I've ever had.

May we show increased kindness toward one another, and may we ever be found doing the work of the Lord.