I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

Bullets do not discriminate. They are equal-opportunity projectiles.

God is an on time God.You may not see what's ahead of you, but with the patience and guidance from God, He will give you the desires of your heart.

I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final. On the eve of that final I stand by that prediction.

Oh, I have loved him too much to feel no hate for him.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

A book has to dig through the wounds, more, it has cause a new one, a book it has to be dangerous.

Bless the Maker and His water. Bless the coming and going of Him. May His passage cleanse the world. May He keep the world for His people.

When a tree falls it resounds with a thundering crash; and yet a whole forest grows in silence.

Learn to nurture and trust your instincts as well as your conscious reasoning. Often, one's instincts will offer the better judgment.

Remember, if you are criticising, you are not being grateful. If you are blaming, you are not being grateful. If you are complaining, you are not being grateful.