I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

We talk a lot about the five senses: vision, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. I would add one more…imagination.

Want to forget that you’re growing older? Walk across green grass with bare feet.

A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth.

Growing up I didn't have curvy role models, mainly because I didn't see enough curvy women represented in major ads.

80 percent of learning is visual, so children who can't afford vision correction are at such a disadvantage.

If your job is not making a difference in this world, by all means, get out there and find something else ... You’ll find a sense of making a difference through your work if you simply look for it.

The rational transparency and beauty of the universe are surely too remarkable to be treated as just happy accidents.

Many share my views with me. But I don't share them with them.

We are rapidly moving into the post-industrial age, when we must redefine what is "productive" work, as more and more jobs are being replaced by automation, robotics, and artificial intelligence.