My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

The double law of attraction and radiation or of sympathy and antipathy, of fixedness and movement, which is the principle of Creation, and the perpetual cause of life.

Love never asks what benefit it will derive from love. Love from its very nature is a disinterested thing. It loves for the creature's sake it loves, and for nothing else.

I live for competition. It makes my life complete.

He who has heard the Word of God can bear his silences.

When it's time to let someone go, do it right. No surprises. No humiliation.

He was the kind of kid you did not want to sit by. He kept his boogers in his desk, he wore a neck tie.

Glory is a heavy burden, a murdering poison, and to bear it is an art. And to have that art is rare.

Fate wings, with every wish, the afflictive dart, Each gift of nature, and each grace of art.

I can't really live outside Jamaica. I can be away, but only for a while.

Living in war is a co- existence with death.