George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

Thought is the toil of the intelligence, revery its voluptuousness. To replace thought with revery is to confound a poison with a food.

People who're nuts never doubt their own sanity. (The Killer's Cousin)

When a hundred men stand together, each of them loses his mind and gets another one.

I don't want the world to define God for me. I want the Holy Spirit to reveal God to me.

BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker.

I can approve of those only who seek in tears for happiness.

The duke sounded like he was trying to convince himself. “Have you ever done this before?” “Set up someone by pretending to be someone else? Sure. Pretended to get killed? Not so much.

She was truest to them in the season of trial, as all the quietly loyal and good will always be.

No matter how improbable an assertion is, if it is made with enough assurance it has an affect.

Throw dirt on me, and grow a wild flower