I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

It is only an error in judgement to make a mistake but it shows infirmity of character to adhere to it when discovered.

There is no doctrine will do good where nature is wanting.

If we remain compelled by comfort, we will miss the greatest adventures of our calling.

I you don't value your time, no one else will.

I ought to come up there and break your shuck nose.

I'm able to sign my name to the paintings. That is really a blessing.

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

It strikes me as odd that the free exercise of religious faith is sometimes treated as a problem, something America is stuck with instead of blessed with.

As far as I can see, only psychoanalysis can compete with Christians in their love of drawn-out suffering.

I also had a huge crush on William Holden. I would go to see William Holden's movies alone - I didn't want to be with anybody. I just wanted to be with him.