I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Nothing proves evolution more than the survival of the religious belief. It shows we are still fearful, partially formed animals with a terror of death and the dark

Make your decision, one moment you need to follow somebody for awesome stuff. But other you just add him to your favourites authors and you check out everyday his progress, awesome.

I finally discovered something - it's all about Jesus.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

A kind of synthesis, but with some elements that perhaps you wouldn't have expected in advance. I always like that when that happens, when something comes that is more than the sum of the parts.

The West has given us the liberal miracle of individual rights, individual responsibility, merit, and human satisfaction.

Well, duh. He was six feet, six inches tall and built like a brick shithouse.

The winds are nothing else but good or bad spirits. Hark! how the Devil is puffing and blowing.

I didn't seem to have that effect on anyone but it would have been a waste for both of us to be saints.

I think any label is bad... I'm more than a label.