I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

reading books is great, reading pictures much better, especially those that shows you the future

I travel a lot. I'm on the move.

School is tough sometimes, but it’s all about knowing who your real friends are.

One can never know enough. The unknown and its call lies even in what we know.

I have travelled a great deal - to Afghanistan, Iran, Egypt - and can very well differentiate between moderate Muslims and Islam.

The American Dream never really existed. It was a marketing scam.

I never was in love - yet the voice and the shape of a woman has haunted me these two days.

I'm singing for the love of it/Have mercy on the man who sings to be adored.

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.