I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Allow yourself to be alive every single day of your life.

There's nothing more beautiful than authenticity. There's nothing stronger than vulnerability. There's no better time than now.

Disagreeing with someone does not mean that they have to be enemies or opponents.

Player haters be givin' me harsh looks, But I'm tryin to sell records like Garth Brooks.

We're all made to make mistakes; nobody's perfect.

This is why I am calling you to See as God Sees every moment, for it is the only way to release the world you thought was there, in favor of a world that reflects who you really are.

Those who believe without reason cannot be convinced by reason.

Let not a man guard his dignity, but let his dignity guard him.

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, shall be healed, delivered and set free. Be set free, in the name of Jesus Christ!

Their barbarism will stand as their shame for all eternity.