I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

Because if works doesn't mean that it's right, once can be successfully wrong~Dad to his Son...(Psalms 37:7)

A lot we have in our head, But things of heart are not yet dead, They have done none, but just fled, Out of us, Forgotten, just been bled..

The greatest undiscovered splendid wealth is hidden in the most exquisite palace in the never ending land of your mind. You just have to find the wealth.

He must become an apprentice to ordinary life.

All of a sudden, You seemed to beStranger than a fiction, to me.

I am a kid from the '70s, when video games first started coming out, so I definitely have to say I am a video game junkie to this day.

Baking isLife. So when you describe what you're making, you must describe life. Do you see? It's not just recipes.

The woman who bore me is no longer alive, but I seem to be her daughter in increasingly profound ways.

Frost isn’t exactly despised but not enough people have worked out what a brilliant poet he was.

I think that the notion of being creative is the notion that, inwardly, you assume that many things are possible. And that you can try these things and that something will happen.