Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Never judge abook by just loking the cover

Conversion, constant conversion, is the message of the Gospel.

The retreat of a minor piece to the back rank, where it cuts the lines of communication between the rooks, is permissable only in exceptional cases.

He who finds Fortune on his side should go briskly ahead, for she is wont to favor the bold.

She's soft and she's gentle and sweet as can be, and if Sharmon needs squeezin', then leave it to me.

perhaps because this time not fear but love made him read.

Why go now? That is the question people asked when I announced I was retiring. A combination of things made me feel it was all drawing to a natural end.

Painting to me is constant searching. I can see what I want, but I can't get there, and yet you have to be open enough that if it goes another way, then let it go that way.

Religions . . . seem to avoid mountain passes.

So what if I'm smokin' weed onstage and doing what I gotta do? It's not me shooting nobody, stabbing nobody, killing nobody. It'sa peaceful gesture and they have to respect that and appreciate that.