Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Even when the odds are overwhelming, you can believe in God and His promises.

Our Congressmen are the finest body of men money can buy.

Christians need a time and place to sanctify themselves. It's important to take the time, and early in the morning is a wonderful time to do it.

People know that I have adopted four principles in living my life: simple living, punctuality, hard work and prudence.

The dignity of truth is lost with much protesting.

The shortest distance between two points is often unbearable.

I have four children, and I want them to grow up in a country that has a working First Amendment.

It's been a lifetime of trying to have less beef. Beef comes very naturally to me. I was born with my dukes up, but that's not always necessary anymore. I have to retrain myself.

Our speech has its weaknesses and its defects, like all the rest. Most of the occasions for the troubles of the world are grammatical.

There's no reason to bring religion into it. I think we ought to have as great a regard for religion as we can, so as to keep it out of as many things as possible.